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那种感觉就好像被困在雪崩之后的50英尺积雪下——Nochy与抑郁症的故事

2018-04-20 来源:ItGetsBrighter  标签: 掌上医生 喝茶减肥 一天瘦一斤 安全减肥 cps联盟 美容护肤
摘要:我被困住了。我能感受到自己被困住了。当曾经飘落于我睫毛的美丽的雪花凝固成包围我、紧贴我的巨石的时候,我感到我无处可逃。一切都变得那么黑暗,刺眼的黑暗伴随着雪花反射太阳的光,刺痛了我的双眼。
Today's story comes from Nochy, who sees herself as a giggle pot, a perfectionist, a bossy wife, the Bearalist, a fan of Dr Seuss, and an expert in making fish face impressions. Occasionally she works as a play consultant and writes about mental health issues, based in Beijing.
 
今天的故事来自Nochy,她自认为是一个爱笑的人,一个完美主义者,一个霸道的妻子,小熊治疗法的忠实拥护者,Seuss医生的粉丝以及一个做鱼脸表情的专家。有时候她是一个娱乐顾问并且写一写有关精神疾病的文章,常住于北京。
 
A simple search on the Internet gives you a list of symptoms as loss of motivation, loss of appetite, lethargy, suicide ideations etc… But these as a matter of fact theories do not do sufferers of depression any justice as to the hell they go through.
 
在网络上做一个简单的搜索,你就会得到一系列例如丧失积极性,失去胃口,无精打采,有自杀的念头等症状。但是事实上,这些理论并无法准确地体现出抑郁症遭受者所经历的那黑暗的一切。
 
Other sufferers probably describe it differently. Some say the “dark dog", some say the "bottomless pit of hell." For me, it was "snow"...
 
其他患者可能会有不同的描述方式。有些说它是“黑色的狗”,有些说它是“地狱的无底深坑”。而对我而言,它是“冰雪”……
 
In the worst days, I felt trapped under 50 feet of snow after an avalanche. I could not breathe, I was squished, I could not move, I didn’t know what was going on, and I couldn’t push out or up however hard I tried.
 
在最糟糕的那些日子里,我感觉就好像被困在雪崩之后的50英尺积雪下。我无法呼吸,我被挤压着,我无法移动,我不知道发生了什么,我也无法向外或是向上逃脱出去,无论我多么用力地尝试。
 
I could however, see people watching me trapped, telling me not to panic, that help is on the way. They tried to distract me from focusing on my immediate situation. They tried to tell me that I would get out soon. They tried to tell me there were others in more destitute circumstances than me.
 
No use.
 
然而我能做的是,看见人们注视着被困住的我,他们告诉我不要慌乱,已经有人来帮我了。他们试图把我的注意力从我这样紧急的情况上分散开去。他们试着告诉我,我马上就能出去了。他们试着告诉我,有许多人正处于比我更绝望的处境里。
 
而这一切都是徒劳。
 
I was trapped. I felt I was trapped. I felt there was no way out as the once beautiful snowflakes on my eyelashes solidified into boulders around me, against me. It became all dark, blindingly dark with the luminosity of the snow reflecting the sun. It stung my eyes.
 
我被困住了。我能感受到自己被困住了。当曾经飘落于我睫毛的美丽的雪花凝固成包围我、紧贴我的巨石的时候,我感到我无处可逃。一切都变得那么黑暗,刺眼的黑暗伴随着雪花反射太阳的光,刺痛了我的双眼。
 
Whatever anyone told me, my reality to myself was that I was trapped, and that there was no way out.
 
不管是谁告诉我的任何事情,我能感知到的事实却只有我被困住了,我无法逃脱。
 
I was freezing, and it was excruciating. I was drenched in somber darkness, or is it brightness, and it just kept getting darker and deeper and darker and deeper and suddenly brighter and even more confusing. I couldn’t understand why I was stuck and why I couldn’t get out. I see the avalanche snowballing but there is no energy in my bones to run away. I couldn't lift a finger.
 
我被冻僵了,这真是痛苦极了。我沉浸在悲伤的黑暗,或是光明里,它只是一直不停地变得更黑,更深沉,更黑,更深沉,又突然变得那么明亮,让我困惑不已。我无法理解为什么我被困住,为什么我无法逃离。我看见崩塌下来的雪球堆积但我却没有任何能量挪动我的身躯。我甚至无法抬起我的一根手指。
 
I hated myself for tumbling down and getting stuck.
 
So the most appropriate thing to do then, in that trapped logic, was to die instead of going through the torture of confinement.
 
我厌恶这个跌倒并且被困住的自己。
 
此刻最合适的事,在这个被困住的心境下,不是承受这样痛苦的监禁,而是死去。
 
This is how it felt for me. Perhaps this is the reason why I developed some claustrophobic tendencies and do not enjoy small places, or large venues with crowds and little personal space. Crushed under, nowhere to go.
 
One can’t simply snap out from under 50 feet of snow.
 
这就是我的感受。也许这就是我为什么有患幽闭恐惧症的趋势,也是我为什么不喜欢小地方、拥挤而无私人空间的大场馆的原因。被挤压着,无处可逃。没有一个人可以轻而易举地钻出50英尺的积雪。
 
It is no joke.
 
In a destitute form like this, only we can lift ourselves up, and out.
 
这不是一个笑话。
 
在这样一个极端的环境里,只有我们能把自己举起来,逃出去。
 
Today yes, today I still feel like this sometimes, mulling over why I even bother to write. What's the point of it all? But at least, I now know it's possible to get out of this snow box bit by bit, and manage the pain and ache I have inside.
 
It can be done.
 
今天呢?是的,现在我仍然有时候会有那样的感受,会反复思量我为什么要花费心思写作。这究竟有什么意义?但是至少,现在我知道了我是有可能一点一点爬出这个冰雪盒子的,我也是能够对付那些来自内心的痛苦的。
 
这是能被解决的。
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